gingin's blog: Journey, November,7....getting close to the end

<p>Sure wish I could say time flies when you're havin' fun...but that is not the case. We have had 3 "crisis" days in a row. Put a roast in the crock pot Sunday...it's still in the fridge untouched except for some gravy given to the dogs. I really need to FORCE myself to eat tonight. Been too tired and uninterested. Had to go to town Monday and knew Bill would stress. Asked Richard to be here around 10:00...with the time change and stuff he was here about 8:15. Crud...no coffee yet taking care of Bill...dogs weren't fed yet...still in jammies wondering which way the truck went that ran over me. Poor Bill was up off and on all night knowing I would be gone. He wants me near 24/7 now...doesn't matter that he is not alone...I'm not here and he stresses BIG time. Sue was supposed to come check him, but when it got to be after 3:00 I called. No one told me she had called while I was gone, and Bill said he'd be OK till Tues. morning. NOT...Sue was on a death call and could not leave, but after talking to me came as soon as she could. Now it is Tuesday...Bill is totally stressed out...in "crisis" I call hospice...Sue is on another emergency call and can't come, so another nurse covers for her. Spent at least 3 hours here trying to get Bill under controll all the while in contact with the doc. Sue called when she was able and said she'd come by early this morning before she even went into the office....wanted "eyes on" as did I. LONG night. No call from Sue, so I knew something was up. Bill was so very stressed and I just didn't know what I was allowed to do for him, so called hospice. Sue had called in sick with a migrain. Dixie,a nurse who had covered for her before, called to say she would be here about 1:15. Well we went from bad to worse. Bill fought both Richard and me trying to get up and go into the bathroom. He is now to stay in the hosp. bed on O2 24/7. His body is screaming for O2 and the least bit of exerction depleats it. Called hospice again not knowing what I could do for him. Dixie came early. Said when she got here he was rated at 10+ She gave meds etc. that SHE as a nurse could do, but I could not. When she left Bill was rated at a 4. BUT....he has been out like a lite ever since!!! I have to give meds every 2 hours round the clock for the next day or two. Dixie wrote out for me what to give and when and what I could NOT give at the same time. Boy howdy...where is my degree??? The pills now have to be crushed and mixed with water as he can't swallow them and given via syringe. 3 times now I have given meds and Bill didn't even know...he seems less then a zombie. I so hope Sue can come tomorrow...would feel so much better since she knows him best. Don't want to wake him since he NEEDS to rest, but feel the need to check his pupils with a flashlite. MUST eat something first as it will be another very long night...probably the longest so far. I even called the vet today about Bear...he has made himself Bill's guardian and I'm worried about how he will react when the end comes. He has wanted up on the bed all day, but won't jump on the hosp. bed. The look in his eyes...so sad. Bottom line...I feel we are quite near the end of this journey. But who knows...Bill could,in fact,surprise us all. I just want him to go when he's ready and not feel the need to linger and suffer more. </p>

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