Default phrases for 2020
"We are about three weeks away from knowing everyone's true hair color."
"Apparently, this year is being written by Stephen King."
"You might as well go ahead and pronounce the 'L' in 'salmon.' Nothing matters anymore."
"Day 2 without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently she's my wife. Seems nice."
"Like a good neighbor, stay over there."
"If you self-quarantine for your family's safety, please be smart. I cannot afford to go to 15 baby showers in December."
"Actually, it's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France; otherwise it's just sparkling isolation."
"I'd hate to see a diarrhea virus break out right now. People would buy up all the nasal spray."
On a photo of empty store shelves: "Y'all have Walmart looking like the Cleveland Browns' trophy case."
Atop a drawing of Keith Richards holding a cigarette: "Corona virus barometer. If he goes, we all go."
With a photo of a guy wearing a medical mask and looking out a window: "Day 6 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1."
Over a photo of a guy wearing a plain white T-shirt: "2020 NCAA Champions Shirts, $19.95."
Above a photo of a hand with words written all over the palm in ink: "I washed my hands so much that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced."
"Back in the day, there was so much toilet paper that people used to literally string it up in the trees of their enemies."
"Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly ... next week, turn signals."
"You know that stash of fast-food napkins in your glovebox? It's their turn to shine."
Over a photo of Rod Serling: "Imagine no restaurants, bars, concerts or sports. You just entered The Twilight Zone."
