I am really sad today. Yesterday was 3 months since Bill died and I had to have a well driller out to fix my well. $300.00 later it isn't "fixed",but at least I have water. Said my well is going dry and suggested a new deep well rather then another shallow one. Sure hope the fix lasts for awhile as I sure don't have $3500.00 to drill a new one. Thank goodness this didn't happen while Bill was still alive
Today I had to bite the bullet and take my beloved D*O*G to the vet for his trip to Rainbow Bridge. I knew it was comming, but wasn't ready to part with the "Walking Heart Muscle". Was an emergency trip...he was in very bad shape...a spleenatic tumor that had ruptured. Last time I was at the vet was before Bill was diagnosed...with D*O*G actually in August for his yearly check and shots. Told the vet about Bill and said I hoped "Uncle Richard" could come and help me get my baby out of the jeep...he asked about having him creamated. Said I could not afford as $$$ gone yesterday to the well man. Not only did this wonderful vet not charge me for today, but HE is footing the bill to have D*O*G creamated for me !! He said I had been a client for years and considering all I had been through lately it was the least he could do. Life is so sad right now, but also very good.
I find it hard to believe that it's been a tad over 5 weeks since Bill died. Bear is good, thank heaven. I really was worried about him...he has gotten very protective of me which is a good thing.
Jackie and I went to town yesterday. She had business to take care of at the government offices, so at the same time I turned in the tag to Bill's truck. I also applied for the widow's exemption on property taxes...hardly worth it. The savings will only be about 7-10 dollars, but hey better then nothing. From there we headed to Wally World. On the way we stopped at Farm Bureau so I could cancel insurance on the truck and take Bill off the policy as a driver. I guess next on the "hit list" will be social security to apply for the one time death benefit. Likely will do that after the first of the year. Not looking foreward to it as even with an appointment it's hurry up and wait. Next hurdle after that will be picking up Bill's ashes. Hopefully the funeral home will have it together so we (if Jackie goes with me) won't have to wade through mourners again. If Joyce is feeling up to it I'm planning to go see Alex on the 22nd. Thought about going tomorrow, but it would have been Bill's birthday, so probably not the best idea. Extra hugs are frowned upon at the prison and I'm sure I would need some.
Silver lining for today...did my Christmas cookie baking. Took some to the pregnent person at the post office and she was thrilled. Needed a sweet fix about the time I got there. So all in all, considering, life is good.
When Bill and I got married, Alex was 14. Their relationship was less then stellar, but in the end they made peace with each other. This letter came yesterday one week after Bill died.
November 2012
Dearest Mom_
How are you holding up Mom? I am OK, so no worries here. I'm not quite sure what to say or how to say it really. Death is never easy. I hate it, but I am thankful for the chance to say goodby and for the time to prepare so that it wasn't such a shock or surprise when the end came In my experience though, no matter how much preperation you put in to it, you're never-really-ready- per say, are you? Sure the blow is softened a bit, but when the time does finally come, still it hits us like a brick through a plate glass window, shattering our world apart and leaving us to pick up the pieces and go on. And if we are lucky, we will find the blessing in all; which is faith, hope and love; that die hard will to live and the ability to look beyond ourselves and truely appreciate something as simple as a kiss from a butterfly. Realizing that chance to reconnect with people who are still with us. And finding reasons to smile despite ourselves knowing the we have loved unconditional and been loved alike, and that we are still loved by those around us....
So, after they told me this morning, I went to work and wrote this short, short story. I revised it a bit to better relate to you rather then me since thats how it first came out.Anyhoo....
The Death That Consumes Us All----R.I.P William Holmes
She walked onto the scene all downtrodden and glum, just like November rain that so cold it can be felt deep within the bones. She had that look of razor sharp saddness that only comes from great loss. Her eyes were numb and vacant as they stared off into the horizon at some unknown, unseen object. They also carried a wet sheen from virtuousness of tears on the verge of spilling their essence out into the cruel world.
"What's up, hon?" I asked---distraught to see my friend in such a trouble state.
"He's gone." was all she said, as if that explained everything, which of course it did.
"Your other half?"
She just nodded and mumbled something, that to most would be inaudible, but I'd known my friend long enough to understand. She wanted to know, "How I guessed?" since family was not something we often talked about out here in the desert, simply because some memories are best left to ourselves for when we need them the most.
I said to my friend, "Because when we lose a loved one, no matter how you say it, it still comes out as spouse or mom or dad, sister, brother child or friend---not so much because of what is said, but how it's said. It is the intimacies of the passionate voice that speaks out and the body language that goes with it, as well as those subtle hints of familiarty....There are some things, in which the mind just knows without explaination...If it means anything; "I'm sorry."
She nodded again as the tears---not to be withheld any longer---flooded unto the hard, dry ground where they lay, soaking into the Earth---forgotten, eventually turning to dust and blowing away in the wind---gone forever...
Well Mom, thats all I got. My heart blead for you and I so wish I could be there. My prayers are for you Mother. I love you and I miss you. Take care and God bless.
Love, Your Son, Alex XOXO
Well for someone who didn't know what to say, I think he did a good job!!
Bill died last night right after I gave him the 10:00 meds. Gave him a dropper of water...he was so dry and GONE. He was finally rested enough and ready. I was right there with his head in my hand. Called hospice...they called the PM on call nurse, Ben, and I also told them that I wanted Sue notified. When Ben called to say he was on the way I asked if he had a problem with dogs...said no. Good thing as I was NOT going to put them out at that point. Dixie jumped up on the hosp. bed and sniffed and then back off. Bear wanted up, but only got as far as front paws...mattress must have been doing it's thing and he wanted no part of it. Turned it off, lowered the foot and side rail. Bear looked so sad...I took Bill's hand so he could sniff and then placed it on his head so he could have one last a pat from Daddy. After talking to hospice, I called Richard and Annette who came right over. Ben made the necessary calls. While he asscessed Bill, Bear was right there to make sure he wasn't hurting him. When the funeral home came I had to put the dogs out...they all stood by the door looking in...like to broke my heart. Had this happened on Halloween, I would have passed out candy...the two guys were creepy looking. Felt like I was in an old western looking at the undertaker. After Ben dumped Bill's meds I asked could I keep the bottles so now I have plenty for seeds and ashes...my silver lining for the day.
And so the journey ends. Hard to believe how quickly Bill went...better then to hang on and suffer. His breathing was so much better at the end and he was ready. Once again, thank you all for being there for us. Big hugs all around.
RIP Bill...12/15/51-11/7/2012
Sure wish I could say time flies when you're havin' fun...but that is not the case. We have had 3 "crisis" days in a row. Put a roast in the crock pot Sunday...it's still in the fridge untouched except for some gravy given to the dogs. I really need to FORCE myself to eat tonight. Been too tired and uninterested. Had to go to town Monday and knew Bill would stress. Asked Richard to be here around 10:00...with the time change and stuff he was here about 8:15. Crud...no coffee yet taking care of Bill...dogs weren't fed yet...still in jammies wondering which way the truck went that ran over me. Poor Bill was up off and on all night knowing I would be gone. He wants me near 24/7 now...doesn't matter that he is not alone...I'm not here and he stresses BIG time. Sue was supposed to come check him, but when it got to be after 3:00 I called. No one told me she had called while I was gone, and Bill said he'd be OK till Tues. morning. NOT...Sue was on a death call and could not leave, but after talking to me came as soon as she could. Now it is Tuesday...Bill is totally stressed out...in "crisis" I call hospice...Sue is on another emergency call and can't come, so another nurse covers for her. Spent at least 3 hours here trying to get Bill under controll all the while in contact with the doc. Sue called when she was able and said she'd come by early this morning before she even went into the office....wanted "eyes on" as did I. LONG night. No call from Sue, so I knew something was up. Bill was so very stressed and I just didn't know what I was allowed to do for him, so called hospice. Sue had called in sick with a migrain. Dixie,a nurse who had covered for her before, called to say she would be here about 1:15. Well we went from bad to worse. Bill fought both Richard and me trying to get up and go into the bathroom. He is now to stay in the hosp. bed on O2 24/7. His body is screaming for O2 and the least bit of exerction depleats it. Called hospice again not knowing what I could do for him. Dixie came early. Said when she got here he was rated at 10+ She gave meds etc. that SHE as a nurse could do, but I could not. When she left Bill was rated at a 4. BUT....he has been out like a lite ever since!!! I have to give meds every 2 hours round the clock for the next day or two. Dixie wrote out for me what to give and when and what I could NOT give at the same time. Boy howdy...where is my degree??? The pills now have to be crushed and mixed with water as he can't swallow them and given via syringe. 3 times now I have given meds and Bill didn't even know...he seems less then a zombie. I so hope Sue can come tomorrow...would feel so much better since she knows him best. Don't want to wake him since he NEEDS to rest, but feel the need to check his pupils with a flashlite. MUST eat something first as it will be another very long night...probably the longest so far. I even called the vet today about Bear...he has made himself Bill's guardian and I'm worried about how he will react when the end comes. He has wanted up on the bed all day, but won't jump on the hosp. bed. The look in his eyes...so sad. Bottom line...I feel we are quite near the end of this journey. But who knows...Bill could,in fact,surprise us all. I just want him to go when he's ready and not feel the need to linger and suffer more.
